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Aloha, internets!
Bought some extra cheap Weetos today, forgot that I was giving up chocolate for lent. MotherFUCK. I’ve already broken this self-applied torture due to a chocolate dispensing wench handing me some while I was talking to someone else; I ate it without thinking twice. I guess I’m pretty well trained when it comes to eating free chocolate… It was not until moments after my friend left in which I realised the crime I had just commited, upon which point ANGER coarsed through my veins. Also, disappointment. That one square is all I’ve ate so far though.
So what the hell have I done! Buying Weetos for myself… sheesh. Really was looking forward to eating them too. Ah well.
I’m also giving up Vidja games unless in a social situation, because occasionally I’ll sink a bit of time into them. And that’s pretty much still a-hapnin’. So I’m not a complete moron. Well done Roary.
Wish me luck in all chocolate related willpower tests in the future!
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Some waffle about how I see some political and social issues
I’ve heard some crazy arguements and worldviews since I first started debating and it’s worrying how people I KNOW IN REAL LIFE can actually hold these views with a straight face. Then again, I see that from my LIBERAL, LOWER MIDDLE CLASS UPBRINGING perspective so of course all my arguements may just seem sensible because they’ve been unchallenged for so long.
This train of thought has sprung up again and again in my mind when I’ve been considering british political issues recently, because there is certainly a vast number of opinions at my uni, and I’ve heard people talk about how the conservative party is motherfucking brilliant, and how the conservative party is scum. It just gives the impression that no one really knows, or that there is no right answer.
But that line of reasoning isn’t all that useful in a conversation about an actual political issue like public education being privatised or run by the government. Decisions have to be made without omniscience, and I guess it is my sciencey attunement that wants sciencey reasons for decisions, rather than ‘Welp we had to make a decision at some point so heres some cloudy rhetoric to ease your passions’.
With that said, and some of my perspectives in tow, I’ve arrived at several view points. The most prominent and steadfast of these is my stance on religion; I’m an athiest and that’s unlikely to change, I respect individuals to follow whichever religion they like but I like to challenge their views and have mine challenged too, so on a personal level I enjoy debating with those of faith, as it’s normally pretty fun for both of us, but then again I haven’t encountered many strident fundamentalists before. Religion, as institutions, often offend me with their stances, and I believe it is on those grounds that I should base pressure I put upon those affiliated. For example, Catholics in Africa should be allowed to use condoms as a deterrent against AIDs; when the Catholic church was against this, I think I had sufficient grounds to voice my criticisms of their religion…
I’ve come to this viewpoint on religion over the last 2 years. I’ve studied arguements for and against, not as rigourous as some might, but with quite some enthusiasm still, and I’ve talked many times with those of faith, and roundly been unenthused, to say the least, with the answers they present. But I’ve made friends in this pursuit, and it has, in a way, lead me to debating in general. I feel a strong desire to find out more. Maybe one day I’ll find out the right answer for everything. That way, perhaps, true happiness for humanity may be achievable.
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There’s a lovely song by Jeffrey Lewis called time trades, and here are the lovely lovely lyrics:
Time is gonna take so much away, but there’s a way that time can offer you a trade (x2)
You gotta do something that you can get nicer at… You gotta do something that you can get wiser at… You’d better do something that you can get better at…
Because that’s all that time will leave you with, Because time is gonna take so much away, But there’s a way that time can offer you a trade,
It might be Cabaret
It could be poetry
It could be to try to make a happy new family
It could be violin repair or chemistry
But if it’s something that takes lots of time that’s good… Because time is going to take so much away… But there’s a way that time can offer you a trade…
Because your looks are gonna leave you… and your city’s gonna change to… and your shoes are gonna wear through…
Time is gonna take so much away, but there’s a way that time can offer you a trade
You gotta do something that you can get smarter at
You gotta do something that maybe you’re just a starter at
You better do something that you can get better at
Because that’s the thing that time will leave you with
And maybe that’s why they call a trade a trade, like when they say you should go and learn a trade, the thing you do doesn’t have to be a trade, just go and trade something for all time will take away
It could be many things
it could be anything
it could be expertise in middle eastern travelling
something to slow the balance that life is unravelling
you have no choice you have to pay time’s price… but you can use that price to buy you something nice… Something you can only buy with lots of time… So when you’re old you blow some whipper-snapper’s mind
It might b researching a book that takes you seven years
a book that makes the path to freedom clear
and when you’re done you see it started with one good idea
one good idea could cost you thousands of your days… but it’s just time you’d be spending anyway… you have no choice but to spend time’s price… but you can use that price to buy you something nice
so I’ve decided recently, to try to trade more decently -
(Source: librocubicularist)
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I understand that people only have so much time on the internet but fucking hell Jamie’s blog is amazing what is wrong with everyone.
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Uni is good, life is good.
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A girl in a film said she used to enjoy all the bad things she did, in a twisted way, even though she knew it was killing her, which expressed a feeling I’d been having the last few hours; I immediately thought about this laptop on my lap. It feels so comfortable sitting there now.
The internet enables me to sit here entertained indefinitely, but I know it’ll be the end of me, if anything will. I have nothing to do on it right now. Nothing I actually want to do. But if I stay on I’ll eventually find something, like another film, series, youtube video, etc.
Still, it’s an improvement from the minesweeper and solitare days.
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thekingofliking asked: What should I draw, you magnificent beast.
Me, on a dragon, on a horse, on a spaceship, on a bigger dragon, on me.
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I think I understood my brother today for the first time in a long time. Kinda, what he’s going for in his day to day actions. We’ve been getting closer recently, and now imma fuck off to York. I hope he’ll come down to my house to get a breather from the parents soon.
My mother said she was getting depressed again, also occuring today, after a long talk over dinner with the family sat around. I’d been furious and frustrated with my dad’s shenanigans, had gotten up at 3PM, and was strangely switched on. Rawr.
Ugh I really don’t want to type out everything, even if that means I’m leaving what happened today about a tenth finished and utterly confusing.
I miss a friend I care about and haven’t seen bar one time since I’ve been home.
I was expecting summer hols to be much like easter hols, and essentially see the same great people. But two of them are together now, and understandably have smaller amounts of time, what with jobs, than I do. I miss them though, I really enjoyed spending time with them, and I miss it badly. I keep thinking about it.
Aaaaaghh.
I go back to uni one week saturday. And it’ll be super hectic with freshers and whatnot.
Oh I’m just making no efforts to be understandable in this post. I have a lot to say, but it’s of no consequence to anyone. I like writing it, but right now I’m feeling all the frustration. ALL THE FRUSTRATION!
I hope I get a hug.
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Here’s a blogpost typed into notepad then typed into tumblr… laters. There’s a silver foilcord which connects the power switch of my playstation 2 motherboard. Today, I pulled it out of the motherboard and my stomach sank, I felt a cold sweat, and a surge of anxiety. This wasn’t particularly important. I read a guide and dismantled the playstation further, and simply reinserted into the motherboard, like it had never been removed. I played some final fantasy VII and carried the bot on it’s rounds. I’ve got a new addon for firefox which blocks websites at certain times of the day and after a certain time limit has passed (such as 30 minutes on said website within three hours, or an hour every day) and activated it immediately for a spot of fun to block all games websites, tumblr, youtube and facebook. My regular mode of action on the laptop has been shortcircuited, as my fingers dash about directing programs with well-worked muscle memory, the blocker automatically reroutes the website to a ‘you’ve been blocked’ page, like a friendly jibe. You also can’t change the blocked settings while the blocker is active, which basically means that I can’t access those settings, and hence those websites, until tomorrow. There are a million ways to ignore these blocks, but something about the way this is set up works for me, so far. I’m in control of what I block, so when I can’t access them I’m well aware that I’ve set it up myself. It really feels like the lazy man’s automated self control, and this works for me. I’m limiting the time I spend on flash games, social networks and youtube, the three biggest things I’ve spent time with for the past two months. I’ve spent these last two months not unhappy. There’s been much joy, really. Not much fulfillment though. It’s essentially the lack of something meaty to while away my hours in, or on the other hand a big commitment, such as volunteering, studying, working, and I’m sure there are more examples. When Abi was here I was most definitely happiest. When visiting friends or eating good meals, I’ve been second happiest. Worst parts? The parents relationship is still jaggedly rocky. I feel like I didn’t do a damn useful thing. I feel like I’ve ‘wasted’ my time, but what do I even mean by that? Here is a space which represents me thinking… …maybe it is the idea of productivity that I’ve seen splayed like a cheap attempt at selling self help all over the website blocking addon. I’ve flashed back a couple of times to school days, and there’s this desire in me to find my true cause, and find the thing that fits with what I want to accomplish. The accomplishment which fits with my interests or morals or ideals or somefin. Feels like Che might be the way. So in any case, I’m slipping into depression and selfloathing and despair which I’ve been very familiar with in the past. Utterly convinced it’s my relationship with my parents. So I’m going to see Abi on the 5th; today is Thursday, I’ll see her on Monday. Woooooooooooooooo FUCK YEAH. ROLEPLAY ON FRIDAY TOO. FUCKIN RIGHT. AND AN EXCELLENT MEAL ON SATURDAY. FUCK YES. My immediate future is looking fucking fantastic.
SO RORY, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO CONSIDER NOW? HOW TO SPEND MY REMAINING TIME.
BREAK DAYS UP. I WANT HOUR BY HOUR BUT I ALSO WANT CHAOS.
SO. SCHEDULE. It’s 4:00am.
Sleep now, wake up as early as possible, 12:00pm is fine. RUN. SHOWER-DRESS-EAT-BRUSH-HOUSEWORK. [maybe something here to transition from housework to
creation?] Get some ideas for roleplaying situations, and storylines, characters, twists, and more. Read. Meditate. Cook. Maintain Runescape. Alter laptop
website blocks to 30 minutes every 3 hours, see how it goes.
What could transition better… scrubs? An episode or two? Cool. Might want to write about that first. Might not. Ring mother about volunteering!
So what happens if this goes entirely out of the window when I get up at 5pm tomorrow? Don’t judge myself. Just look at it as objectively as possible,
unemotionally. Look for what to improve upon. Maybe be creative or humourous too. Artistic. Introduce flair. Things which are easily forgotten when striving
for robot like obedience.
So what then, after all this planning…? Where is my art? Where’s the scheduled spontaneity? DONT BE A MONSTER. ARRRggghabarglebargle I don’t know how to
recreate the relaxed mode I’m in now when I am so desperately trying to control myself. I just want to stay flexible and formless for now.
librocubicularist
